Kart-wheels

The slight pulse in between steps, the rhythm of the drum, berimbau and tamborine, the concentration on your opponent's body gives the moment this raw feeling of impulse contrasted with a plan. The naturalness of the beating heart combined with a loose choreography and the strength of a fight melded with the beauty of dance: this is capoeira.

Those who know me well, know that I love to dance.  Even when using the word "love" does not seem to fully describe my  my passion for dance.  I never learned to dance anything like ballet or lyrical, although I faithfully went to my childhood best friend's recitals growing up.  Actually, initially, I was very self conscious about dancing and I remember tentatively moving my body at school dances with more fear than enjoyment.  It wasn't until Spanish class in high school that I discovered that there were other kinds of dances than what we did at homecoming and prom.  Finally, in college I learned to dance much better.  My senior year, Saturday nights were often spent dancing with a group of friends who enjoyed it as much as I did.  Since then, I have learned many forms of social dances and remember that while dancing a friend told me that I looked so alive and happy during our performances.

Upon my arrival in Brazil, I knew very little about capoeira.  From my research of Brazil, I had learned that it was a form of self-defense that people who were enslaved used to practice.  But since they were not permitted to defend themselves, they masked the self-defense as a dance.  The result today is exactly that, the marriage of a martial art and rhythm.  When Jonas (the church secretary) invited me to come to his capoeira practices, I confess I jumped at the opportunity mostly so that I could meet more people and make more friends.  During my first practice, I already knew it was going to be something that I wanted to excel at and continue during my time here.

For those who have never seen capoeira before, I encourage you to look up videos so you can see the strength that is required to perform many of the head stands, back bends and kicks.  Around my third practice, the teacher challenged me by asking me to do the capoeira version of a kart-wheel. Initially, I said that I couldn't.  I've always had difficulty with kart-wheels since my arms are pretty much useless and all my strength lies in my legs.  Again, he encouraged me to try it, "Even if your legs barley make it off the floor, try it so that you learn the movement.  Many capoeiristas who have been practicing for many years don't lift their legs up very far." I, of course, wanted to be able to lift my legs up, but resigned myself to less than perfection and managed to complete a half leg-lifted kart-wheel.  Often, I have noticed that I often lack the competitive drive to push myself further in sports.  I will go all out on the easier things, but once it starts hurting, I am quite content to back off.  Something different happened in capoeira; even when I was tired, I kept pushing myself and now I will stay not only for my practice, but for the more advanced practice directly after mine.  A few weeks later, I was able to do a regular kart-wheel and I am amazed at the strength that I have gained in my arms.

In fact, that has been a general theme since arriving: courage and determination.  Many of my friends and family members have told me that I am brave for living in other countries far from my family or for learning a new language.  I never understood how that was brave because it always felt natural to me, exciting.  So, in reality, for me it's not that brave because its not something I fear.  Oddly enough, the simple things can be much more challenging for me.  Pushing myself in a sport, sometimes just leaving the house and talking to people, or advocating for myself.  But, something has clicked since I have arrived here; and I'm not sure why. Maybe my concern with doing things right and properly (a form of perfectionism) is dwindling.  The movements in capoeira are challenging but I am not afraid of them and am filled with this desire to further challenge myself in this sport even if I'm clumsy at first.   Maybe, for some reason the part in me that, when I was a girl, confidently adventured and explored the unknown has awakened again.  It's also possible that the situations that I have gone through in the past year have given me more confidence and courage.  Now that I am unleashed in a new environment, I am putting them into practice. What ever it is, I like it because it has brought me more confidence, more faith, trust and determination.  If I trip and fall, its ok because I know how to get back up, and I have the support to help me.

Space

In the last few weeks, amidst the business and preparations for my departure, I have been reflecting on space. There are different spaces that hold special and particular meanings for me here in Connecticut and in the surrounding areas where I have spent time.  While moving to a new place is exciting, full of places to explore and learn about, I think that this very thing can cause nervousness or even a bit of fear.  There are no meanings or experiences attached to these new spaces, nothing familiar or grounding...yet.

A few months ago I returned to visit Holy Cross Monastery in New York where we (the YASCers) completed our orientation.  As I crossed the bridge and took in the scenery, which goes over the Hudson River, I realized that this space already held a significant meaning for me.  The trees here are determined.  They cling to the sides of the hills like needles on a pin cushion.  Their roots snake in between slabs of shale along the Hudson shore and dip into the water as the current comes back upstream.  In the morning the current flows to the sea, but in the evening it returns to its source. Time is different here.  It seems to go at a more natural and normal pace. Somehow it doesn't seem too rushed or too slow, just a steady march.  There is time to watch the honey bee hover over the water's edge.  Time to smell the sweet scent of decaying leaves, time to linger enjoying the remaining heat of this Indian summer.  Time to meditate, time to contemplate, time for God. That night I stayed late for vespers and dinner; I can't think of a better way to end the day than in communion with my brothers and sisters of the church, praying.  Somehow everything here feels meaningful. Sitting here writing this has significance and importance even thought it is not directly contributing to world peace; it is almost necessary.  It is a space where I can reflect, be still, and take time away from the world, as Jesus did, while praising God for what he has made.  It is a space where the common place event is wonderful. The noise of a squirrel defending its young some how amazes me and I begin to pray: Our Father, who art in heaven...

As the date of departure drew closer, I noticed that the spaces in my life began to change.  Slowly, I cleaned out my office at work which was quite green with succulents, begonias and other plants.  My books came off the shelves and the files were thinned.  At home, not only was I beginning to pack for a year but I was also packing up all of my belongings to store in my parent's basement. The hominess of my living space became more and more empty and chaotic, a constant reminder of the upcoming transition. My surroundings were making me feel a bit crazy as I felt like I was living in constant disorder.

 I began to feel a bit homeless.  I realize that I was far from a true situation of homelessness but it served as a reminder of what immigrants go through, what a nomadic life might feel like and the uncertainty many face on a daily basis.  The matter of things also became a theme.  One day as I was packing, I was watching the movie The Hobbit.  In the beginning of the movie, Gandalf is visiting Bilbo explaining to him the prospect of participating in an adventure.  Bilbo begins to explain that he can't possibly participate because he has to take care of his mother's good china set and the many other things in his home.  Gandalf questions, "Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes become so important to you?"  I reflected that many of my recent thoughts revolved around the  things I was saving up to buy or thoughts like, "If I just had such and such my life would run smoother."  Concerns about things were brought up while packing; how was I going to get by without a certain thing in Brazil?  Would they sell it there?  The scene in The Hobbit reminded me of my values which are not centered on things.  In fact, I am a critic of consumerism and feel much more relaxed when my life is a bit more Spartan.  I began to re-evaluate my thought processes which concentrated on worries and concerns and change them to "going with the flow" mantra.  If I can't buy the exact brands of toiletries that I like for a year, I will survive.  If I can't always find the types of food I prefer for a year, I will survive.  If I am a bit uncomfortable for a year, I will survive. Ultimately, all of these experiences will be to my benefit, helping me to be grateful for what I have and in constant prayer for those who have less.  I often struggle with the concept of being grateful for what I have because I tend to feel guilty for what I have as it is significantly more than what I need. Over the past year I have come to think of gratitude a bit differently. Being grateful is not being grateful that I have while others have not, but, I think being grateful is more about appreciation, and not always wanting what I don't have.  It is about taking care of what I have and being more generous with my possessions, time and life.  In actuality, I find this much easier to do when I have fewer possessions because I realize their true value.  When I have too much, I take things for granted.

I have since arrived in Brazil, welcomed by generous and patient people and living in a simple, yet, lovely apartment.  And, in fact, because I was not able to bring all of my things with me, I feel calmer.  My introvert time is spent doing more satisfying activities and my time with others is more meaningful.  I now am connecting with the spaces that will be significant to me in Brazil.  They aren't quite "mine" yet, but through the new relationships formed here, I have new memories which are attached to these spaces.  Soon, Santa Maria will feel like home, even if for only a year.

About the Young Adults Service Corps (YASC)

In order to answer some questions that may not have been fully explained in my previous post, I would like to take the time to describe in more detail the program that I am participating in.  As I mentioned before, the Young Adult Service Corps, or YASC, is run through the Episcopal Church and is defined by the Episcopal Church as, "a ministry for young adults who are interested in exploring their faith in new ways by living and serving in communities around the Anglican Communion. (The Anglican Communion is the network of all the churches in the world which have roots in the Church of England.  They are not necessarily beholden to one another, but do keep in communication and hold regular meetings) YASC brings young adults into the life of the worldwide Anglican Communion and into the daily work of a local community. At the same time, it brings the gifts and resources of the church into the lives of young adults as they explore their own faith journeys."

Those who are interested in participating in the program send in an application which is followed by what is called a "discernment weekend."  The discernment weekend is held at Holy Cross Monastery with the purpose of explaining the program in further detail and answering any questions that potential YASCers may have.  In the time following the discernment weekend, the applicants decide if the program would be a good fit for them.  When a decision to continue has been made, the program staff then go about coordinating where each individual will be going.  Each YASCer may let the program staff know in which countries they would be most interested in serving, but ultimately the staff make this decision weighing in personality, skills, and work available to provided the best possible fit between the individual and host church.  Not all of the YASCers will be living in the same country, but some will.  In the summer, the team attends a two week long orientation which focuses on adjusting to a new culture, what is expected of the YASCers, what being an Episcopalian missionary looks like, as well as team building among the group.

The purpose of YASC goes beyond helping out another church in another country.  Yes, we may be teaching English or helping with particular projects in impoverished areas, but we may very well also be in a more well to do country working with one of their churches.  Part of the broader goal of the program is to form meaningful and relationships.  Developing our purpose was, in fact, one of the activities we completed at the orientation.  This on of the definitions we came up with: "Our mission theology is:
...to be fully present with others
...to create a safe community of support and love
...to share in unity with God
Most of us were slightly uncomfortable using the term "missionary" due to negative connotations and past abuses of the church.  But with our created definitions, we began to feel confidence in our new role.

As I mentioned in the previous post, the country that I am assigned to is Brazil.  Particularly, I will be located in the southern-most state of Rio Grande do Sul which is actually has a temperate climate unlike the majority of Brazil's tropical climate.  Reportedly, the church that I will be working with is excited to have me; I have been told I will be helping them with a new project that they are starting up, but what it is, is still a mystery.  In the near future I will be able to speak with someone about it and get more information.  The entire length of my time in Brazil will be a year.  In order to finance this endeavor, the Episcopal Church foots most of the bill; but us YASCers are expected to contribute some money as well. Therefore, I am fundraising.  In order to leave for Brazil, I must have at least 50% of the funds raised.  I am happy to say that currently, very generous people have already donated 44% of the total amount.  If you are able and willing to help out, donation information is located on the left side bar of the blog.

The last mystery that I have looming before me is when I will be leaving.  The story goes that the visa process for Brazil can be a complicated one.  It may take one to six months for the whole thing to be processed. So, here I am, waiting patiently, reading about Brazil and working on Portuguese.  Let me know if you would like to help me practice!

Searching in the field for treasure

I am a planner.  For the past ten years, I have had a "five year plan" to get me through each transition of my life.  While the plans did not always unfold to the letter, I took comfort in having a direction even if it was just a rough sketch.  According to habit, two and a half years ago I began the process again.  I began to plan what I would do upon my graduation from the University of Puerto Rico.  Originally, I had a vague idea that I would come back to Connecticut and "settle down."  As I listened to my classmates' plans and the curiosity growing in the pit of my stomach, I realized that I was not ready to embrace the "American Dream."  In my travels I had learned so much of the world and how it worked.  I had adapted to the subtleties of other cultures, learned how others perceived the world, met fascinating people, tasted new foods and formed strong friendships.  It was at this point I decided to seek out a way to quench my curiosity and my desire to learn about the rest of the world with the ultimate goal of sharing my experiences and stories from the other countries in the United States.

By the time I had finished school, I had already sent out applications to several programs which I had believed were suitable for what I was hoping to do.  For various reasons, each of these paths lead me to a dead end. So, I found a job and a church as I settled back into peaceful Connecticut life, all the while continuing the quest.  It was just over the year mark of when I had returned home from Puerto Rico that I began to be discouraged and was ready to just accept that maybe my plan wasn't meant to be, when I stumbled across the Young Adult Service Corps of the Episcopal Church.  After reading through the philosophy behind the program, I knew it was right for me and applied.  In February of 2016, I found that I had been accepted to the program!

You remember that at the beginning I had mentioned that I was a planner?  Since I have applied for the program, there has never been a distinct plan.  At first, it was unsettling.  I was trying to figure out what to do about my two jobs, trying to decided how much time I should dedicate to activities and language study, as well as make sure I spent enough time with family and friends.  The follow up process for YASC was slower than I had expected for a number of reasons; at one point I even wondered if maybe they had changed their minds and decided I was not a good candidate for the program.  This, however, was not the case and I began the required orientation two weeks ago. The good news is that I have now moved to accept the uncertainty and would say that I have embraced the mystery.  It provides a certain amount of excitement.  During the year, I promise to unravel the mystery as it unfolds, so here is the first bit:  I'm going to Brazil!  I just found out last Tuesday.  The part of the mystery that still remains is what I will be doing and when I will be leaving, but I'm looking forward to finding out.